I’ve decided to really throw caution to the wind and amp up the guilt and drama as a way to convince people to smash that affirmative opt-in button.

Once upon a time my job was simple. I’d pop up and ask whomever was viewing the website to subscribe/sign up/opt-in; giving them the simple choice: yes or no.

Done and done, right? Wrong. Lately I’ve decided to really throw caution to the wind and amp up the guilt and drama as a way to convince people to smash that affirmative opt-in button.

That’s right, I’m done being polite and I’m ready to start getting REAL.

Just the other day I was on one of those millennial self care brands that sells butt masks, and I popped up to offer 10% off their first order. But instead of a simple “no” option, I made that button copy say, “My mom won’t let me.”

GOT EM!!!!

In that moment, a flood of adrenaline hit my veins and I knew I couldn’t stop there. Thirsty for theatrics, I went over to The New York Times and whenever a viewer wanted to read the rest of their 1.5 free articles for the month, I showed them who was boss. Want to subscribe for just $1 a week? I popped up to ask, innocently. But when their eyes hit their opt in choices they saw:

YES, sign me up! and No, I’m a pouty widdle baby

GOD you should’ve seen their faces.

Over the course of the last few years I’ve really gone to town on that “no” button. If it doesn’t aggressively pressure them, the least it can do is make them feel weird for not taking me up on my killer offers.

Here are some of my greatest hits:

• I hate free things and also myself.

• How’d you get this number?

• Hard pass, sassafras.

• Sorry, I have a boyfriend.

• No, I’m a scaredy kitty cat. Meow!

• Nah, I don’t feel I deserve good opportunities thanks to some childhood baggage i haven’t dealt with.

• Eat sh*t and die.

To date, my melodramatic, guilt-inducing outbursts have not accounted for more people opting in, but whatever, I’ve never felt more alive.

See you out there, losers!